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Gweeee! ^_^ Now for the honest criticism part: I find his speech just a bit stilted. But the substance of it is exactly what I was expecting and is squee-worthy.
In the interest of providing helpful criticism, I’ve thought about it and here’s specifically what I find wrong with Miguel’s dialog: he’s over-explaining himself. He sounds more like a woman than a young man. He would say about half of those things, I think.
Okay, I enlisted my husband’s help in this. (He’s good at helping me keep my male characters in check). Somewhat to my surprise, he doesn’t think it’s too much of a speech, not if it’s something Miguel feels strongly about and has been thinking about for awhile. The only bit he would take out is the part that starts “And that won’t change” and ends “But you’re my family.” It shows “too much thinky-thinky,” says my husband.
Itesa + hubby – Thanks for the very thoughtful crit.
I was thinking that Miguel has been holding all this in for a while, and that it was time for some abject confession.
“too much thinky-thinky” – lol. I’ll have to be more careful of that.
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Moon and Star Stories
Short-story comics by Purplerebecca
Updated every Tuesday and Friday
Earth-Rooted - 21 pages, complete
Together - 114 pages, complete
Lizzy and the Goblin - currently ongoing
January 27th, 2010 at 12:50 pm
Beautiful! The story, the art, simply gorgeous!
January 27th, 2010 at 7:44 pm
Gweeee! ^_^ Now for the honest criticism part: I find his speech just a bit stilted. But the substance of it is exactly what I was expecting and is squee-worthy.
January 28th, 2010 at 5:25 pm
In the interest of providing helpful criticism, I’ve thought about it and here’s specifically what I find wrong with Miguel’s dialog: he’s over-explaining himself. He sounds more like a woman than a young man. He would say about half of those things, I think.
Okay, I enlisted my husband’s help in this. (He’s good at helping me keep my male characters in check). Somewhat to my surprise, he doesn’t think it’s too much of a speech, not if it’s something Miguel feels strongly about and has been thinking about for awhile. The only bit he would take out is the part that starts “And that won’t change” and ends “But you’re my family.” It shows “too much thinky-thinky,” says my husband.
February 2nd, 2010 at 1:53 am
Thanks Granian and Itesa!
Itesa + hubby – Thanks for the very thoughtful crit.
I was thinking that Miguel has been holding all this in for a while, and that it was time for some abject confession.
“too much thinky-thinky” – lol. I’ll have to be more careful of that.